So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
