I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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