Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
