Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
