Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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