the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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