A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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