You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just found puke in my bra..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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