Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
