just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
tell me about the eggs
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
