I hope mine doesn't look like that
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
