my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
