I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
