Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
