So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
