I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
