Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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