Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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