I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
tell me about the eggs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
