Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
