Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
