I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
