I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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