I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
