so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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