She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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