I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
