I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
