I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
