when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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