I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
