You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
