I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
