the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
