Soap is not a condiment
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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