Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
