I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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