I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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