Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This is the high leading the old right now
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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