in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
