so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
