Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
