I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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