TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
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I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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