Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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