my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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