I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
