You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
