i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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