Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i already hear my dad disowning me
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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