weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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