I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
