I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
