Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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