oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
