So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize