In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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