i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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