So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
