I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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