Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
