Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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