the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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