Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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