Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
