Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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