My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
