Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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